Tuesday, August 25, 2015

its been 2 years

It has been two years since I've last posted a blog. Let me update you all. I since then have been admitted into a nursing program. I am currently in my third semester of nursing school. 
2014 was a tough year for me. Getting into nursing school took all of my energy and time. 
The beginning of 2015 was tough. I found out my relative was messing around, or should I say secretly dating the love of my life behind my back. 
I was devastated. The only thing keeping me from actually falling was nursing school. How can someone so close to me do something so hurtful. I felt degraded. I felt like I was a piece of shit. But then I had to stop and think, I am going to be a wonderful nurse someday. I need to be strong. I can't break. The second step was forgiving my sister. But how? How can I forgive someone who was doing me wrong behind my back while I was going through the worst time of my life, getting through nursing school, for those who don't know, nursing school is TOUGH. 
I couldn't forgive her. I prayed and prayed to forgive her but I knew that it had to come from my heart. I hadn't found forgiveness yet. On spring break, or should I say in March 2015, I met someone. Very handsome, I was very drunk that when I saw him I turned to my friends and all I said was "I call dibs." Since then, I found a sense in what it is like to live. We talked he was different, we were both hard headed and I knew it was going to be a crazy ride. Little did I know he was damaged. Damaged as in he was divorced, well separated at the time, I had no idea. Hes only 22, has his head on his shoulders I would had never guessed. People had a lot of shit to say about my new relationship,but I didn't give a shit. I hadn't date anyone in two years, well a year,so I knew people would be surprised. I have always been a firm believer that if you didn't see it with your eyes, don't believe it. Well my cousin told me he was married, and whenever I found that out I thought they meant it as in he just lived with his ex for over 6 months, thats the rule in Texas, if you've lived with your significant other for over 6 months, legally yall are married. Months passed, everything was good,till one day he told me to go outside, I did. He looked as if he had been crying. I asked what was wrong and he said IM OFFICIALLY DIVORCED. My reaction was, not very good, not bad, I automatically said to myself, he needs you, as a friend right now, do not judge him. Inside I was dead, I felt stupid, like blind but I couldn't show him that side. No I can't. 
He's the reason why I forgave my sister. But I don't want that to be his only purpose in my life. I don't want that to be the only reason God put him in my path. I LIKE HIM.
Everything was good after that, 
Here we are August 25,2015, 6 months later and its going to shit.
I am dealing with a damaged man, It has been backfiring. I can't do this anymore. He randomly ignores me, he randomly shows up.What can I think? What do I do? He doesn't want to leave me, but he needs time, what does that mean? I don't want to wait, but I know if I don't wait Im still not going to go anywhere anyways. Im stuck. 
But here I am reading my Psych book, the 5 chapters I have to have read by to tomorrow, I am reading but I am also thinking. What do I do. I don't want to wait. I can't do this.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Baby baby I been losing sleep, thinking of what we could be..

Monday, October 28, 2013


In order to get different results, then you must do something different. That is what I am doing from now on.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

No time.

I have been doing so horrible this semester. I am so ashamed! I seriously study my guts out and it does not pay off. I am so stressed and its attacking me. My sisters and my relationship has been so foggy. We are supposed to be celebrating our birthday together Saturday and I can already tell its going to be really bad. We are completely different. She stresses me. I have 3 paper due Monday, I shall get started now shouldn't I. 
I saw my friend today at the store. She used to be my best friend till I started college and she couldn't. She has a family to support now. I remember us being 16 and we found out she was pregnant. I was the only person that knew at the time. I was the only person apart from her baby's father that knew she was pregnant for about 4 months. She is a really noble person. Her pregnancy was hell and her baby's father ended up with another girl, not her. This opened my eyes because her little boy now is 4 and he is still sweet to me. I hadn't seen him in about 2 years. She is raising him right. 
I have my own battles. I am a fortunate woman, but I also fight my own battles. Anytime I try to talk about anything that is going on, all I get is a "Well it could be worst, my friend has no parents and his roommate kicked him out, now where does he go?, get over it." 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

20 year old with a 40 year old lifestyle

So I know it is pointless asking this, but am I the only 20 year old around that has to take care of all their younger brothers needs. What I mean is that I am the second mom in the family. It is overwhelming. I have a lot of responsibility. I am a full time student, a full time worker at a restaurant and a full time mom with no kids. I fall into depression easily. I am seriously fragile and I am sick and tired. If I over sleep on a weekend. My mom throws a fit because I didn't clean the house. Don't get me wrong my mom has a lot on her plate. She has a 7 year old with diabetes and a very strict husband. Well my point is that since she's tired all the time, I should be too. Well she's mentally tired, and I am both physically and mentally tired. I try to enjoy my time out on weekends but she makes it impossible. I really didn't live my teen years to the fullest because I had too many worries. It makes me sick how much I am not appreciated. I don't want any of you guys to think that my mom doesn't do anything. She does errons and shit. But put some of her weight on me, plus school, plus work. It's terrible. I know when I get older that I will be on the same boat but that's okay because I'll be older and that's how it should be. But I am 20, living a 40 year olds lifestyle. I hate it. I want to be free and not have to worry about whether my mom will be back in time so she can give my brother his insulin shot. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

I love to analyze everything. I love sitting down with a cup of tea or coffee and just stare out and see how people interact. I find it weird but it amazes me how people act and why. I am going to school for nursing because I love helping people but how about a double degree. The second degree can be in the sociology field. 

Holy Moly.

I have always had a rocky relationship with my father. Since he was raised in Mexico, life was hard back then. I heard of how he used to have to hide money from my grandfather because he would demand him to give him everything he made. He was only 7. I never fully understood why he was so tough on me. He never showed emotions. Nothing. 
Took me about 19 years to finally understand. Thanks to my psychology class. He was so strict and I would do everything behind his back. Till one day I took off my house and I said I was leaving. Ever since then he has changed. We sort of talked about it. But not really.
I would only come home to sleep. I spent my whole day at my aunts house and even at work just to avoid home. Now it is different. I love being home. Everybody is happy here. So is my dad. Finally. 
I work hard in school so I can finish my degree and be able to take care of my parents when they no longer can.