Baby baby I been losing sleep, thinking of what we could be..

Shit.

In order to get different results, then you must do something different. That is what I am doing from now on.

No time.

I have been doing so horrible this semester. I am so ashamed! I seriously study my guts out and it does not pay off. I am so stressed and its attacking me. My sisters and my relationship has been so foggy. We are supposed to be celebrating our birthday together Saturday and I can already tell its going to be really bad. We are completely different. She stresses me. I have 3 paper due Monday, I shall get started now shouldn't I. 
I saw my friend today at the store. She used to be my best friend till I started college and she couldn't. She has a family to support now. I remember us being 16 and we found out she was pregnant. I was the only person that knew at the time. I was the only person apart from her baby's father that knew she was pregnant for about 4 months. She is a really noble person. Her pregnancy was hell and her baby's father ended up with another girl, not her. This opened my eyes because her little boy now is 4 and he is still sweet to me. I hadn't seen him in about 2 years. She is raising him right. 
I have my own battles. I am a fortunate woman, but I also fight my own battles. Anytime I try to talk about anything that is going on, all I get is a "Well it could be worst, my friend has no parents and his roommate kicked him out, now where does he go?, get over it." 

20 year old with a 40 year old lifestyle

So I know it is pointless asking this, but am I the only 20 year old around that has to take care of all their younger brothers needs. What I mean is that I am the second mom in the family. It is overwhelming. I have a lot of responsibility. I am a full time student, a full time worker at a restaurant and a full time mom with no kids. I fall into depression easily. I am seriously fragile and I am sick and tired. If I over sleep on a weekend. My mom throws a fit because I didn't clean the house. Don't get me wrong my mom has a lot on her plate. She has a 7 year old with diabetes and a very strict husband. Well my point is that since she's tired all the time, I should be too. Well she's mentally tired, and I am both physically and mentally tired. I try to enjoy my time out on weekends but she makes it impossible. I really didn't live my teen years to the fullest because I had too many worries. It makes me sick how much I am not appreciated. I don't want any of you guys to think that my mom doesn't do anything. She does errons and shit. But put some of her weight on me, plus school, plus work. It's terrible. I know when I get older that I will be on the same boat but that's okay because I'll be older and that's how it should be. But I am 20, living a 40 year olds lifestyle. I hate it. I want to be free and not have to worry about whether my mom will be back in time so she can give my brother his insulin shot. 

I love to analyze everything. I love sitting down with a cup of tea or coffee and just stare out and see how people interact. I find it weird but it amazes me how people act and why. I am going to school for nursing because I love helping people but how about a double degree. The second degree can be in the sociology field. 

Holy Moly.

I have always had a rocky relationship with my father. Since he was raised in Mexico, life was hard back then. I heard of how he used to have to hide money from my grandfather because he would demand him to give him everything he made. He was only 7. I never fully understood why he was so tough on me. He never showed emotions. Nothing. 
Took me about 19 years to finally understand. Thanks to my psychology class. He was so strict and I would do everything behind his back. Till one day I took off my house and I said I was leaving. Ever since then he has changed. We sort of talked about it. But not really.
I would only come home to sleep. I spent my whole day at my aunts house and even at work just to avoid home. Now it is different. I love being home. Everybody is happy here. So is my dad. Finally. 
I work hard in school so I can finish my degree and be able to take care of my parents when they no longer can.

I put my text messege notifications on silent and on hide. Just because 

Sisterrrr

So I'm not saying that I don't love her because I do. Like what I am about to write are all of my complaints about her. She's talking to this guy and shit, he doesn't give her the attention she needs so she looks for him. We used to come to this small family owned bar, it's the only place that doesn't ID. Well I am tired of it. We only come now because her dick is here. I am sick of it. I try to put my foot down sometimes because I am tired of doing stuff just for her benefit. No. Not anymore. We will do shit my way. I get used a lot for people's benefits but not no more. No. I am sick and tired of feeling stupid.

Move on.

Out of all the people, I should be the one that should know better than to be stuck in one place for months, in this case, now its been years.  Despite losing two best friends, I should know better than to let anything hold me back. Time stops for no one. I have been stuck in one place waiting on something to happen. For what? I keep saying maybe tomorrow, then I even say, maybe tomorrow and then tomorrows tomorrow. Guess where I am, a year later? Waiting on tomorrow. I am stuck because I really do like this guy, and everything was perfect till one day it all stopped. I tell myself he has someone else, but its been denied. 
I know, I am young, but this is where I stand today, waiting on something that is never going to happen. I am getting behind on everything, on life. My best friend is pregnant and married. My Best cousin has her boyfriend back, my other cousin is married, hell, even my 16 year old sister has a boyfriend. Where am I in life right now? No where. I know everything has its timing. But I am tired of waiting. It is sad that I have nothing to look forward to every morning or night. 
I am beggining to train myself to focus more on school, to let everything out. 
I also started this blog to let everything out. I hope it helps. I am tired of being tormented by my own emotions.

I was in a 3 year relationship. We then had to do long distance and it was hard. He began to be really insecure and he began to be very possessive and controlling. I know what you are thinking, how can he control me when he's so far away. I don't know, but it happened. Around that time one of my good friends was killed in a car crash, my boyfriend said sorry. I didn't want to talk to him I just wanted to cry and sleep. Well he began to get mad and said "I know your friend passed but that doesn't mean you get to ignore me, wtf text me back." After that text I went crazy and I broke up with me. He didn't take no as an answer and began to make threats that he was goin to commit suicide. The first couple of times I tried to break up with him, that suicide thing worked and I took him back. But not this time. I said, "Die then." He called me about 100 times that day and everyday for 5 months he called me atleast 50 times. Do not ask why I didn't change my number. What you don't know is that I had a nothing but guy friends and they were like my brothers except one, I saw him differently. He really liked me. I was like fuck it. I need to get over this dumb fuck. I accepted him and we began to date. We clearly didn't work out. We dated on and off for 8 months. It was chaos. 

He broke my heart and I thought I couldn't give another chance out. Typical 18 year old. Last December I finally got a chance with some guy that I had been crushing on for years. I can't explain the feeling I has for him. He broke my heart too. No nothing no explanation, no reason just one day he quit texting me. Just like my ex. He didn't give me a reason. I feel up to this day worthless. I mentioned my first relationship because he wished me the worst and said he had hoped I never found anybody and that he hoped everyone broke my heart. It's working. Whatever spell that he has over me. I hate myself so much.

Drinking

I been drinking since I was 14. I know, I am very ashamed. 6 years since I been drinking. I seriously do not even know where to start and how many problems it has caused. I hate it. I seriously didn't think I had a problem till yesterday. On my birthday I just wanted to get fucked up and forget about everything. I didn't. It did not work. I don't understand why I am addicted to this lifestyle. Fuck, I do not even know what lifestyle I live anymore. I have my head in school, but once out of school, drink drink drink. I need to stop. I swore to my mother it wasn't going to happen again, you know, coming home crawling because I had too much to drink. It happened again yesterday. She is not talking to me. My stomach is not agreeing. I seriously do think this is a wake up call. I know I am not of age, but fuck man. I need to change something. I need to come to an agreement.

I cannot wait till I seriously start my blogging. I want to blog freely about everything that surrounds me and about everything that happens as I enter my twenties.

I turned 20 yesterday. It is about that time where I should really start growing out of my old habits.
I seriously do have the worst. The type of habits that I have are seriously impossible to get rid of. If there is anything I want in this world right now is to learn how to let go. It is nearly impossible for me. I need to learn how to move on. I thought myself how not to attach myself to anything. So far it is working. This probably sounds very juvenile, but it is all true.